On Seeking Understanding…

I’ve been struggling with whether/how to post during this tumultuous time. I started Patina earlier this year to empower and uplift midlife women of all races, shapes and sizes; to discuss life, the power of experience and the privilege of aging, and to encourage women to embrace it all and enter a new chapter with style and well-earned wisdom and confidence. And I am committed to continuing on this journey and to working to achieve and live this mission. I have to say, however, that it has been a difficult start. I spent years thinking about and conceiving Patina, dreaming about the day that I would have the freedom to devote my time and energy to making it happen. I never could have imagined that just a month after launching the world would turn upside down, contorted in ways that have been both disorienting and distressing, and most recently, heartbreakingly unsettling. I didn’t intend to write about current events as such, and I know enough at this point in my life to talk less and listen more when I’m less-than adequately informed. I am someone who operates best when there is harmony in my life. I want to provoke thought with my writing, but I am not a provocateur, and although I am a lawyer by training, I strongly prefer playing the role of mediator and peace-maker rather than fighter in the ring. Maybe that’s why the current state of affairs has me feeling, some days, like I am tied up in knots. And the only way I know how to start to untie, unravel, and open up is to write, so that I can continue on this journey with greater empathy and understanding, and contribute positively to this most important, transformational time in our country.

I grew up in a home that emphasized “do unto others…,” and that has always informed my interactions throughout my life. I went to a Catholic school where we stood and greeted every adult who walked in the room with a respectful (and enthusiastic) “good morning/afternoon Mr. or Mrs. ————!” This practice applied to black, white, woman, man, priest or janitor. Everyone was treated equally, as far as we were concerned. But it was a relatively sheltered childhood, and we were somewhat insulated from the complexities of race and race relations in America. As I grew into my life and career, I learned more about the world and inequality, particularly as it related to hiring and diversity (or lack thereof) in the legal industry, where I was immersed. In my work I have had the opportunity to lead diversity initiatives, and have been involved in many conversations about the critical importance of a diverse workplace. I also sit on the board of a nonprofit organization, America Needs You, that is grounded in social and racial equality. Still, until the fallout from the death of George Floyd, I never fully grasped the depth of frustration and hurt felt by the black community in this country.

As part of an effort to gain a more meaningful understanding, I have been reading, reflecting and rethinking a lot in these past weeks. In the process, I came across something that I wanted to share, as it shed new light (at least for me) on the current state of affairs and the Black Lives Matter movement. There are many people who react to BLM by countering that “all lives matter”; early on, when the movement began in 2013, I too reacted this way without stopping to truly consider what was really taking shape. The photo of the child above provides a beautiful explanation as to why this reaction is misguided. And to expand on this, I read another simple but poignant version as to why “all lives” is hurtful, and it went something like this: You wouldn’t say “everyone dies” to a friend who was grieving the loss of a loved one. Yes, it’s true that everyone dies, just as it is true that all lives matter, but it is cruel not to acknowledge the pain of the loss to someone who needs support in their grieving, and the same can be applied to the BLM movement. It’s a simple analogy, but I thought it was a powerful one.

I am a bit out of my depth here, but I want to go deeper and do my part. In yoga, we talk about Prana as life force energy. I had a teacher who used to say “where the head goes, the energy flows.” And that makes me hopeful, because there are many, many good people out there focusing on ways to improve, impact and make real, lasting changes in the world. It has been both difficult and distressing to see so many in pain, and awful to watch opportunists looting and hurting small businesses that were already struggling from the Covid-19 crisis, but the peaceful protests and solidarity for BLM that has been shown by people here and around the world has been heartening. And I think that the energy and momentum we are seeing has the potential to take root in a very real way. It feels like we are cracked wide open, but it also feels like there might be a little bit of light beginning to shine through. We are unified in our outrage over the killing of George Floyd, and people have been coming together to speak out and amplify voices that throughout our country’s history have gone too-often unheard. We are living in a time when everything seems so mired in politics, but as I see it, this is not political; it’s a matter of humanity. Margaret Mead once said “never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the world: Indeed it's the only thing that ever has.” I think we are witnessing just that- change driven by thoughtful, committed people all around the world. May it be so…