Next Chapter Mother's Day Reflections from Somewhere in Isolation

I’m sitting here on the eve of Mother’s Day, so many thoughts flooding through me, without my mom or my kids this year.  I know I am not alone; so many of us are spending this time in isolation, unable to be with our loved ones as we deal with the pandemic.  I am feeling paradoxically extremely grateful, yet exasperated all at once.  These two roles, step-mother and daughter, are two of the most profoundly important in my life, and not knowing when I will see “my people” again is really difficult.  However,  I’m trying to focus on the fact that I have been very blessed on both fronts, and looking forward to making the best of it via Zoom! 

I am so fortunate to have my mom in my life; she is living with breast cancer at 81 years-old, and really thriving in spite of it.  She is one of those people who is preternaturally optimistic and positive.  She rarely complains, and generally takes life very much in stride.  She cared for my father for the last 10 years of his life when he was very ill, all the while dealing with her own issues.  She is selfless, without any hint of martyrdom.  She has always been this way, from the time I and my three older brothers were young.  Her example informed everything about the way I chose to parent, and I am forever grateful to her for, well, everything. I have thought about it a lot over the years, and I think that one of the keys to her positivity was simply that she was just comfortable with who she was.  She always made the best of her circumstances (which were not always easy).  She was beautiful, but that never defined her (frankly, I’m not sure she even recognized it, and she didn’t have an ounce of vanity).  She did not seek validation from the outside.  She never compared herself or her life to anyone else’s, and as I’ve gotten older I realize that this alone, this tendency humans have to compare, is the source of so much angst and dissatisfaction in life.  She was adamant that I, her only daughter, be an independent, self-sufficient person.  She has been my biggest cheerleader and champion, and remains so to this day.  I am beyond fortunate to have been raised and loved by this incredible human being.

But despite my mother’s amazing example, I entered adulthood feeling very ambivalent about having children.  I think that maybe because I grew up without much in the way of surplus (there were four kids and not a lot of money), I viewed kids as an anchor; one that would limit my ability to move through life freely, and I craved freedom from a very young age.  I married for the first time when I was 25 and just out of law school, and several years into that marriage, I still wasn’t sure if I wanted kids.  I was sure, however, that I didn’t want them with him, which seemed like a pretty fundamental issue, so I thought it best to leave.  I always thought it was interesting that I left, in part, for something I wasn’t sure I even wanted, but I felt compelled by it all the same.  There must have been something in the depths of my consciousness that guided me through that time; that knew I would not be complete without the experience of being a mother, and that led me to the incredible kids I have had the privilege of helping to raise.

I came to motherhood via my second marriage to a man with two young boys.  Yes, I am a step-mother; I did not give birth to the kids I call my sons, but I love them as if they were my own.  Being a step-mother is tricky business.  There are many boundaries to navigate, respect and protect.  If you are all-in, as I committed to be from the start, you have all of the responsibilities of being a parent, but without, in many cases, the community that comes with motherhood.  And that can be hard, and can make you feel like an outsider in your own world.  You also have to be comfortable with the fact that you will not be the primary focus in your relationship.  This is also difficult, and something you really can’t understand until you are in it.  Additionally, you may not always be in harmony with your husband’s ex, and you have to have grace and find ways to work through and rise above it for the well-being of the kids.   You have to be okay with the idea that even though your step-kids may be your primary purpose, some will view you simply as a weekend parent, and that can sting on many levels.  But in spite of all of the challenges, trials and tribulations, being a step-mother has been the single most important and rewarding thing I have done with my life.  

I did not know I would feel this way when it all started.  Truthfully, I was terrified by the prospect of taking on two young boys, just four and seven years-old at the time.  I was in my early 30’s, living in New York City after my divorce, and just starting to get my grown-up footing.  But I fell in love with a man that I knew, on a cellular level, was right for me, and he came as a package deal.  I had to make a decision.  And circling back to the example of my mother, I knew that if I married this man, it would be a covenant between the four of us.  And so it began, our life together as a family, and I have never looked back.

Some of the days were long, but the years were decidedly short.  I know it’s a cliche, but the time does really fly by.  Most days I still can’t believe that phase of our lives is over.  Our youngest graduated from college last year and lives close by in NYC, and our older guy graduated in 2016 and has been living and working in Chicago since.  I am so incredibly proud of both of them and the bright, thoughtful, kind-hearted,  amazing young men they have become, and I am grateful to them every day for loving and accepting me all those years ago.  It is from them that I learned how to be and feel fully human.  It is from them that I realized the depth of my capacity to love.  They say that when you have kids, it’s like having your heart walk around outside of your body.  I never quite understood this, until I did.  And it is, like life, a beautiful, complicated, colorful, messy, imperfect state of affairs, and the most sublime feeling I have ever known.  A feeling that inspires me every day as I journey into this next chapter and down this new path that is Patina.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of the incredible, warrior moms, step-moms and mother figures out there who make the world go round every day.  And sending much love to those whose moms have passed; may your special memories make her presence felt and bring you great comfort today and every day.  xx